When I was a little girl, we used to watch musicals all the time. We never had enough money to see them in person, but we had plenty on VHS. My mother loved them and passed that love on to me.

I was the only five-year-old I knew who could sing every song in "Oklahoma!" by memory. I've seen "The King and I" so many times that I've lost count. I felt a bit of kinship to the Von Trapp family in "The Sound of Music" because we lived in Germany and I was constantly afraid the nazis were coming to get me (in my brain, they were still around). My mother used to sing "Messmaker, messmaker, make me a mess..." to me while cleaning my room (to the tune of "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof). As a pre-teen, I wanted to be Sandy from "Grease". Later on, I developed a bit of an Andrew Lloyd Webber obsession, particularly with "Phantom of the Opera" and fell in love with the music long before I ever saw the movie. I could play songs from his musicals by heart on my flute.

But it was "Annie" that held a special place in my heart.

You see... this is me, as a young girl:



Yes, that outfit is homemade. And, yes, I know it LOOKS homemade. But, at the time, we had a hard time affording ANYTHING, sewing was cheaper than buying pre-made, and my mom could sew.

Also, do please examine this one:



See the curly red hair?

In my mind, it was close enough to this:



Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again: I had have an overactive imagination. And life, well, there were times when it could be pretty rough and downright scary. So, a lot of times, I BECAME Annie. In one place that we lived in, we had a big glass window, just like they do at the orphanage in the movie. I would sit in it and sing the very same song that Annie does, called "Maybe", about how she's got a great set of parents waiting for her somewhere. And when things got really bad financially (maybe the lights got shut off or maybe we didn't have much to eat that day), I'd pretend I was an orphan like Annie, during the Great Depression. Or, if there was a day when my mom was "scary", she became Miss Hannigan. A hard day could bring about a round of "Tomorrow". A good day meant "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile". I watched Annie so many times that the tape snapped (and, yes, there was much crying). To this day, I watch the movie "Annie" once or twice a year.

I'm not joking when I tell people that music - and musicals - saved my life. More than once, I was able to cope because I knew a song from a musical that explained exactly how I was feeling. But musicals weren't just there for me when I was sad. I'm 28 and I'm still likely to burst into "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" when I'm in a good mood. And I'm still inspired every time I hear Kermit sing the line "Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending."

I used to treat my love of musicals as something to be hidden, but not anymore. I'm more likely to explain that love to others, who often get a quizzical look on their faces. Everybody knows "If I Were A Rich A Man" from Fiddler on the Roof, but I had to explain why I suddenly started singing "Sunrise, Sunset" at work today and that it too is from that musical. Years ago, I probably wouldn't have even hummed the tune, lest I have to go through the effort of explaining myself and look like a complete dork. Today, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I love musicals and I don't think it makes me a "complete dork".

The older I get, the less embarrassed I am by the things I love.
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This has been my post for week 6 of "The Real LJ Idol". Topic: "Sunrise"

This is the time of year when you're supposed to thankfulful for what you have in your life.

Honestly, I'm not feeling it.

My husband and I had a discussion the other day in which he said I overlooked the basic things, that they were more important than I was giving them credit for: a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat, and a job. I told him that, frankly, there have been times when I was homeless, not really sure where my next meal was coming from, jobless, and only owned one or two sets of clothes and that I was happier then than I am now.

To be honest, right now, I'm miserable. There are days when I excuse myself to room, close the door, and just break down in tears. My life has been given a "hard reset" and I feel like I can't push past it. I tell people that my separation from my husband has hit me hard and they immediately think that I'm talking about losing him. I'm not. I'm mostly past that. I will always care for him and we're friends, and I do miss the days when we were the happy husband and wife, but that's a pain I've mostly-kind-of gotten over.

The pain I'm feeling now is more about everything else in my life. I hate sleeping alone. I hate not living close to downtown. I hate being so fucking broke all the time, feeling like I have no money. I've been hit by major health issues. My room is cluttered and crowded because it's small and I have nothing that will organize my stuff. I eat alone most nights and I really hate that.

It's pretty pathetic that the only reason I can pull myself out of bed and go to work in the mornings is because I need to make sure my cat has a place to live, food to eat, and clean litter (and, less so, because my not paying my rent/bills would put a strain on my roommates).

And here's what makes it all worse: I feel like I'm being an ungrateful bitch. I know there are things in my life that are good. And I -am- glad to have them. It's just that, half the time, I can't remember that. Most of them, I can't get past the feelings of failure, of despair, of discontentment. It's as if I can't be happy unless I'm feeling euphoric (and, that, I know, is due in part to my bipolar disorder).

So, here's a list of things I'm often thankful for, even if there are times I can't remember to be grateful for anything. I plan on coming back and updating it as I remember more things, until I hit 100, but here's a good list to get me started:

1. I'm thankful for my best friend, Jeff. He's the person who has provided me with the most comfort over the last year. There are so many things I could say about him, but none of it is enough. I hope we're good friends for a long time to come.


2. I'm thankful for my cat, Parker. I love how he talks constantly, comes to me for cuddles and scritchings, and is always happy to see me. I sometimes wonder if I need him more than he needs me.


3. I'm thankful for my roommates, Kate and Alex. Without them offering to move into a two bedroom with me, I'd probably still be stuck in Federal Way at my mother's house or living in a cruddy room somewhere (honestly, you guys, the ones I looked at were... bad). In addition, when I was sick, they offered to float my bills, though I was able to pay them after all.


4. I'm thankful for my husband, Jeremy. I learned a lot and grew a lot while being married to him. And now, we still talk a lot. He's very logical while I'm very emotional and it is helpful to have someone who can temper that.


5. I'm thankful for my job. It's certainly not the worst job I've ever had. The pay is not fantastic, but it isn't minimum wage either. I work with a lot of wonderful people. The benefits are pretty good. And, frankly, right now, I'm lucky to just be employed at all.


6. I'm thankful for having a fantastic pod at work. The other people in my pod make a job that could otherwise often by tedious and trying not such a bad thing after all.


7. I'm thankful for health insurance. I spent so long without health care that I know what a difference having it makes. And, I had a hospital stay and an operation that together only cost me $15, instead of the thousands it would without health care.


8. I'm thankful for my sisters. Sometimes we bicker, like all siblings do, but I'd be devastated if anything happened to them.


9. I'm thankful for my nephew, Jeremy. He smiles every time I come over. This Thanksgiving, when I hadn't seen him for over a month, he clutched onto me when he got freaked out by there being too many people. It made me feel loved.


10. I'm thankful for my friend, Douglas. He checks in with me frequently, just to see how I'm doing. It's nice to have people who care about you. And whenever we've gone out on a date, I've always had a good time. I hope there's plenty more good times in the future.


11. I'm thankful for my friend, Amee. We sometimes lose touch, but we always get back together at some point. And it feels like we just pick back up where we left off.


12. I'm thankful for my friend, Stephanie. She's the only friend I have that I knew in elementary school. We've both gone through some fanastic rides since then and I'm glad to be back in touch with her.


13. I'm thankful for my parents. Without them, I wouldn't exist. Life has been a rollercoaster and a freaky ride, but I wouldn't have experienced any of it without them.


14. I'm thankful for having gone to culinary school, even if I never finished, because I'm not afraid of baking. In fact, I LOVE it. (It's really not as scary as most people think.)


15. I'm thankful for livejournal. My sixth Livejournalversary is on February 2nd. I've learned a lot being here and I've met several wonderful people I didn't know before.


16. I'm thankful that I have a place to live where I don't have to worry about my stuff being stolen or messed with and where I can have my cat, without having to hide him.


17. I'm thankful that I always have enough to eat.


18. I'm thankful that Seattle has a pretty decent transit system.


19. I'm thankful for having a bus pass that is provided by work. It saves me hundreds of dollars a year.


20. I'm thankful that I'm at least decently intelligent.


21. I'm thankful that I have internet access.


22. I'm thankful for the two futon mattresses that serves as my bed. Without them, I'd be sleeping on a cruddy little single-wide folding bed.


23. I'm thankful for the KitchenAid mixer I was given by my roommates for my birthday. I haven't used it yet, but it's been a busy week. I've always wanted one and I'm sure it'll get tons of use.


24. I'm thankful for the new DVD player that Jeff got for me. This one has a remote, so I can watch DVDs of TV series on it.


25. I'm thankful that I have a TV in my room.


26. I'm thankful that I have my own computer that I do not have to share with anybody else.


27. I'm thankful to have a door to my bedroom that I can shut when I need to and yet am not afraid to leave open.


28. I'm thankful to live in one of the most liberal cities in the country.


29. I'm thankful for sex. And that it feels so good.


30. I'm thankful for the weather here in Seattle, especially the rainy and cool days.


31. I'm thankful for Netflix.


32. I'm thankful for getting to try new and different kinds of teas sent to me via the tea_swap_rr community here on Livejournal.


33. I'm thankful for tasty treats, like chocolate brownies.


34. I'm thankful for the tastiness that soup can be.

(PS - I can honestly say that spending the time writing out this list has drastically improved my mood. And I'm only at 30!)
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This has been my post for LJ Idol, for the Free Topic "Giving of Thanks" (no voting this week).

May 17, 2009:

I am on my bed, talking to my husband, when he tells me that he still loves me but is no longer in love with me and that he won't kick me out, but...

I go to the bathroom. Shut the door. Lock it. Turn on the shower and bawl my eyes out. When I come out, he is gone.

I don't see him again until hours and hours later when he comes back from having gone out with a friend, having ignored my calls and my texts. By this time, I am already packing a good portion of my stuff in my sister's car.

People tell me that things will improve, I'll be better, blah blah fucking blah stupid bullshit people always say. I quit listening.

November 17, 2009:

I wake up in a very foul mood. I try to get over it and mostly do by the time I get to work.

But, throughout the day, my breath is taken away again and again and again.

Six months.

Six months of watching him be happy with other women when he wasn't happy with me.
Six months of discussing our various relationships with each other.
Six months of near-daily phone calls and conversations.
Six months and I still miss him and the life I had before and my home and having all my furry kids together and yeah, maybe it wasn't always great, but maybe I was considering leaving but never did because "us" meant too much to me and also because I was scared.

I wonder: how does he view me now? Am I a friend? Something more? A relic from the past? More like a sibling than a spouse?

I may never know.

I don't think the lives we're leading now are any better.
They're just different.

And maybe that's the hardest part of all.

It's voting time for therealljidol. My entry is here and you can vote either here (I'm in tribe "Sexual Ethics") or follow this link directly to the poll.

I really do appreciate the votes I get

Me: "I just spent $100 for less than a shopping cart full of groceries. I remember when $100 got you TWO carts of groceries piled high."
Jeff: "Back when you walked to school uphill both ways..."
Me: *thinks* "Yeah, actually. It WAS uphill both ways. You had to go down the hill then up another hill either way you went..."

Back in September, when I was not-so-patiently waiting for the next season of LJ Idol to start, I was going through the old topics and entries. I came across the "Sexual Ethics" topic and decided to make my own post about it.

I almost wish I hadn't done that. Almost. But it did give me time to think more about the topic.

As most of you know, my husband and I separated back in May. Since then, many of my relationships have evolved in ways I could not have seen coming. New people have come into my life. Some of my "friends" dropped me, believing they had to pick between me and my husband. My relationship with my husband, though different, is in many ways better.

All of this took time. Things are still morphing. I suppose they always will.

I don't disagree with any of the "sex rules" I listed in my previous post. These rules were:

• You should enjoy it.


• Be risk aware.


• Attempt to refrain from hurting others emotionally.


• Sex should be consensual.

I think, however, that I forgot the most important rule: Be true to yourself. I spent a LONG time trying to be somebody who I'm not (sexually). When my husband and I got together, I was in an open relationship with somebody else. I broke up with him because things weren't working out. After some time, I agreed to try a "closed relationship".

And it made me unhappy.

Don't get me wrong. I was happy to be with my husband. But I basically had to shut myself away from a lot of people because I'd get too attached. The line between friend/lover/partner/mate is just so thin for me that I have a hard time not becoming emotionally attached and/or not wanting to have sex with them.

Once I figured out that a "closed" relationship didn't work for me, I tried to get the relationship open again. But Jeremy wasn't comfortable with that. And though I mentioned it somewhat frequently, I wasn't comfortable saying "This is what I need" and making it something that was a requirement for being in a relationship with me. I was afraid that I'd lose him.

Maybe I would have. Maybe he would have broken up with me on the spot. But maybe he would have said "Okay. We can try this." Instead, this one big issue started slowly sucking other things in with it until it was a big cesspit of frustration. And, in the end, I lost him anyway.

Shortly after the breakup, I started telling people "I'm never getting in a monogamous relationship again. Don't you dare let me."

And guess what happened? You got it. I ended up in another one. And all these people who had heard me go on about how being in a monogamous relationship was one of the last things I ever wanted to do again suddenly started looking like they wanted to hit me. The truth is, I wanted to hit me.

I knew I was making myself unhappy. But I was so afraid that I'd make the other person unhappy that I was willing to once again sacrifice my own happiness. However, any decent partner knows when you're unhappy and, generally, knowing you're not happy in a relationship makes the other person unhappy, too.

Eventually, we talked. Things are... different. I'm still not sure if this is going to work out in the long run. I hope it does, but it may not. Trust me, though, when you're not happy? Your partner knows. Even if they're busy pretending they don't.

However, if we can't be happy being together, what's the point? Isn't the point of sex and love and relationships about happiness and caring?

In the end, the only way we'll be happy is if we're true to ourselves. That's just as true in lust and in love as it is anywhere else in our lives.
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This has been my entry for Week Four of Season Six in The Real LJ Idol. This week was a "throwback week" and I picked the topic Sexual Ethics. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic, too!

Photo taken on November 7, 2009.

Earlier tonight, I received a text from my best friend, Jeff. "What are you up to?"
"I'm making brownies."
"Can you bring one for my lunch tomorrow?"
"Of course I can."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. I'm just happy you wanted one. :) "
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I enjoy cooking and baking for people. Watching them enjoy what I've made warms my heart and makes me smile. It always has.

Interestingly enough, people act like baking is a huge feat. I'm not entirely sure why because, if you follow the rules, there's no magic or voodoo involved. A lot of people find it so intimidating that they do not even attempt to bake. This seems silly to me because, for most things, even if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted much. Often, though, when people finally DO try, they find it easier than they thought it'd be.

Cooking brings about a different kind of awe from people. Most people have cooked before and have found it hard. Or too much work. Or not fun. Or... I don't know. What I do know is that I love to cook, but it wasn't always that way. I didn't always like being on the "hot" side of the kitchen. I preferred the "sweet" side. Oh, sure, I knew how to cook. Not only did I know how to cook "home foods", but I had to spend time in the "hot" kitchen at culinary school. But I could never figure out why people wanted to cook something savory. I only ate savory foods because, well, if I ate cake for dinner ever night, all my teeth would fall out and I'd be severely lacking in nutrients.

I think this started changing for me when I went to work at the bar. Within the first week, I'd managed to cut out a chunk of my finger. I took about fifteen minutes out, then went right back to work. Working at the bar was tough. For most of the night, I was the only cook so everything was dependent on -me- and how I did. Yet, I enjoyed watching people appreciate my food. Some of these people ate there almost every night and probably had no clue how to even turn on that funny box with the swirls on top in their kitchen.

Eventually, I moved on to a less strenuous job, and cooked only at home. More often, though, we ate out or ordered in. I still enjoyed cooking, but my husband didn't really care what I made, as long as it was a food he liked. This isn't to say he didn't appreciate when I cooked, because I know he did, just as I appreciated when he cooked. But, to him, food is, well, just food.

These days, I mainly just cook for myself. I used to think it was too much trouble and either ate what my roommates fixed for me or had something frozen-in-a-box. Went I went vegan, this became less of an option. The food the roomies cook is generally meat-centric. Frozen food is still an option, but it's more expensive and I've been trying to stretch my budget.

Now, you'd think that eliminating animal products would make cooking harder, perhaps a bit more of a chore. For me, it's done the opposite. Now that I'm not focusing on meat and cheese, the culinary world has opened up for me. I'm cooking a wider variety than I ever have before. I'm enjoying my food more.

I finally realize why people enjoy cooking. I'm now enjoying it not just to please others, though I certainly still love when it does. I'm making food that will please ME.

And that? Well, that makes me quite happy.
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This has been my post for week three of LJ Idol. Topic: Smile.

Hailey. Eating tofu.

I never want to get up. But I have to. Well, technically, I don't. It's a Sunday. I could sleep all day if I wanted. I consider it. ( The rest of my day is under the cut. )

People are confusing.

This is how Parker often sleeps... arms stretched forward. It almost looks like he tripped, fell forward, and decided that would be a good time to nap.

My sister, Kristine, and my nephew, Jeremy

I wasn't going to do this this week, but I'm behind. Please vote for my LJ Idol entry.

Thanks!

When I was your age, things were different...

I used to find myself saying this to my younger sisters. In fact, I used to say that it's almost like we had different mothers and different families, even though they were the same people.

My mother had me less than a month after she turned 18. When I was two, we went overseas, to Germany, and lived there for five years, in a land where my mother could not speak the native language and must have felt overwhelmed. And yet, she seemed to do it all without blinking an eye. Oh, sure, there were tears: when the power went out, when she went hungry so I could have food, when we got lost getting off the U-Bahn (underground trains). But they cleared up pretty quickly. And we had each other, even though we didn't have much.

Days were often spent reading for hours. She had seemingly endless patience for reading and re-reading and re-reading and re-reading the same book over and over again. She cooked and I was there beside her, learning by watching and helping. She sewed clothing while I pathetically attempted to make a pillow. She'd pick my stitches out and let me try again. And again. And again.

After my parents split up, times were rough. The power went out frequently, due to unpaid bills. For a long time we didn't even have a phone. The idea of cable was just a pipe dream. The state paid daycare so my mom could go to work. We were on food stamps. And paper towels were a luxury. One day, I was on my way to school - I was in elementary school at the time - when I noticed the car was gone. I ran in to tell my mother and she was unsurprised. It had been repossessed. She made me go to school, though I spent three-quarters of the day in the nurse's office, too upset to do anything and literally nauseated. I knew that the lack of a car meant she couldn't go to work and if we were barely hanging on as it was... what would happen then? In the fifth grade, I almost let an eardrum burst because I knew we had no health insurance and that my mom couldn't really afford a doctor's visit for me.

By the time I left home (a couple of years before I turned 18), my mother had remarried. Her husband made tips and, often using them, bought things they couldn't really afford, but still... they were nice things. My sisters had their own cell phones and laptops. I remember being so furious when the girls got cell phones. After all, when my father had gotten me a pager just a year or two before, my mom said only drug dealers needed those. And, sadly, one day I got yelled at for reading instead of watching "Beavis and Butthead Do America" with the rest of my family. This, more than anything, signaled to me the change in my mother and in my whole family. And it was then that I started telling my sisters about how things were when I was a kid.

One day, I just got tired of saying "That's not how things used to be..." and "Well, when I was your age..." so I stopped. There was no point. Nothing good came of it and the girls just rolled their eyes. And, yet, it felt awful to feel like I couldn't express my thoughts, memories, and feelings about the past and how it different things were.

That's why I listen to "war stories", stories of how people made it through the great depression eating nothing but lard sandwiches, how phones used to be plugged into walls. When someone sits me down to say "When I was your age, things were different", I try to listen and let them share their story and their past with me.

Because, for me, too, not that long ago, things were so different.
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This has been my entry for LJ Idol, Week 2: Uphill, both ways, barefoot.

Yesterday, roina_arwen, knightaudit, my good friend, Jeff, and I went up to Mt. Rainier. The three of them had never been and I'd not been in years (over a decade). On the way down there, we saw the fanciest Dairy Queen ever. ( I have a pic behind this cut. )

When we got up there, we drove slowly around the mountain, stopping at little places here and there. We stopped at a several scenic places. The weather was cool and crisp, with only a few clouds. It was refreshing to breath in such clean/crisp air. Eventually, we wound up at the Henry M. Jackson visitor's center (at Paradise), where roina_arwen and knightaudit very generously bought Jeff and I lunch.

I had a very tasty veggie wrap and chips. I asked the girl behind the counter if there was mayonnaise or anything in it and she told me there was cream cheese. I asked her to leave it off, but asked for mustard to be put on it instead. She said "Well, the only kind of mustard I've got back here is honey mustard," (and she emphasized the "honey" bit) "but you can put yellow mustard on it if you go over to the checkout counter." Maybe I was imagining things, but it seemed like she understood why I asked for no cream cheese (I'm not eating animal products).

Since it was getting to be mid afternoon and knightaudit didn't want to be driving around the mountain with who-knows-what kind of drivers in the dark, we headed back. On the way back, we drove through Puyallup (South Hill) and stopped at Krispy Kreme. Jeff had never been inside a Krispy Kreme before (and had only had the original glazed kind). We got there right as a fresh batch was about to hit the fryer, so we stood there and watched it go through the fryer and vat-o-glaze. It was very tempting, but I didn't get myself any doughnuts (not vegan).

We chatted on the way back, until they dropped off first Jeff, then myself. roina_arwen and knightaudit are very lovely people and I hope to see them again someday.

( There are several pictures behind the cut. )

Voting is up for Season Six: Week One of LJ Idol.

Please vote for me. I'd really appreciate it! I'm in tribe lady-hoshi. You don't have to be a member of LJ Idol to vote... anybody with an LJ account can do so.

What's that? You never saw my entry?!? The topic was "Empty Gestures" and this was my response.

( I've included the poll for my tribe behind the LJ cut. )

• Yawning hurts like a bitch (before this, I never even considered that you used midsection muscles to yawn). And I have apparently been inflicted with some sort of "yawn flu". Or maybe I just yawn a lot.


• Work is draining. It's always draining, but now? More draining.


• I'm exhausted.


• I'm whiny.


• I just realized that I have to make a very small amount of money last for three weeks. And it's kind of scary.


• But I was reassured today that my health insurance premium would be covered. Everything else is secondary.

I just want to be better. To be "recovered". And I want it to take less time than it's taking!!! ARGH.

That's all.

I just went grocery shopping at Target.

Originally, I went because I needed to get some Claritin-D in it. However, I'd fallen asleep and by the time I woke up, the pharmacy was closed. You can't get Claritin-D over the counter here because, apparently, wanting breathe makes you all criminal-like. When I complained about it to a pharmacist once, she told me that in Oregon, you have to have a prescription. So I try to remember that I'm lucky that we don't do that here.

Since I was already dressed and everything, I decided I'd go ahead and go. I wanted to see what vegan food items they had because Target has recently remodeled and seriously expanded their grocery selection. I've only been in there once since they've done this and I was kind of in a rush then. As far as "packaged as vegan" items go, they had very little. I wasn't too surprised, though a tiny bit disappointed. However, I did discover several "accidentally vegan" items. I even found bread that was vegan, though that took ten or fifteen minutes because bread manufacturers like to put milk in all their breads. I'm trying a couple of frozen items that are vegetables with grains or beans in a sauce. I hope those are tasty because they're not very expensive and they seem pretty healthy.

I did end up picking up some allergy medicine and some decongestant. I hope using the two together will work. I'll only need to use them for a day or so, probably, until I make it into the pharmacy. We'll see. If they work, getting those is cheaper than the Claritin-D so I might continue using them.

And tomorrow? I finally get to go back to work. It'll be good to be earning money again.